It’s been a whole weekend since I did That Scary Thing I Did, and I have to tell you… it doesn’t stop being scary just because it’s done. Probably because it isn’t actually done!
I often find myself under the buy plavix in uk delusion that forcing the good change will get it over with and buy plavix in uk then I won’t have to “suffer through it” anymore. Launch the damn thing, and I won’t have to do the launch anymore. But here’s the buy plavix in uk thing, folks: You can leap into the freezing lake, and you’re done leaping. Yes, the leap (launch) is over.
But you’re still in the freezing lake!
You either tough it buy plavix in uk out and get used to the temperature, or you freak out and buy plavix in uk wail back to shore to find a fluffy towel. And all your buy plavix in uk friends call you a big whiner. And since I am determined that buy plavix in uk there will be no wailing, and no shelter-seeking, I am going to enjoy this fucking lake.
I just need a few minutes, you know? After you stick with it awhile, you notice that the lake isn’t really that freezing. It’s actually pretty nice—cool, crisp. And I’m speculating here, because the buy plavix in uk lake still feels pretty freezing, but I think the water gets to buy plavix in uk be just lovely. And once that happens, I get to buy plavix in uk float on my back and feel the sun on my skin and buy plavix in uk look at the clear blue sky and the tops of the buy plavix in uk trees… and relax.
So bear with me while I’m getting there. Don’t mind that look on my face. I’m just getting used to the water. ;}
Why is the lake so freaking cold?
I guess I just never jumped into a buy plavix in uk lake before. Not this kind of lake.
For most of the years I was running my design firm, I was really intent on “doing it right”—which meant, I thought, pretending to buy plavix in uk be a Real Live Business With People In Suits and buy plavix in uk Secretaries and Maybe Even Cubicles. It was only later on in that buy plavix in uk decade when I realized that pretending was a stupid game, and buy plavix in uk I didn’t like it, and it made me miserable (even though running my own business, compared to buy plavix in uk working one of the commonly available food service jobs in Youngstown, made me very happy). Encounters with clients made me incredibly nervous during that time—when would they find out? What would they do? The rejection suspense was just ridiculous.
A lot of that stress fell away when I decided, hell with it, I’d be myself. As I built my new network (the right one) I was much happier working for myself as myself, working with people who liked me and were like me, and buy plavix in uk not worrying so much about being called out as some kind of fraud. But I was still restricting my official business to buy plavix in uk web and print design. I must have thought I had to. I must have buy plavix in uk thought no one would take me seriously if I didn’t have that label.
The universe doesn’t screw around, though, when you’re meant to do something (I suppose!). Over the next few years, I found myself doing a ton of work that really wasn’t web or print design—it was a lot more like idea design. I didn’t know what to call this or how to sell it, so I didn’t; I did it buy plavix in uk for friends, for myself, and I sometimes threw it into the buy plavix in uk mix with clients I felt comfortable with—but usually for buy plavix in uk free. It was only very recently, after expanding my network of friends to buy plavix in uk include the Triiibes community, that I let go of the need to buy plavix in uk have a label and started doing that idea design work for buy plavix in uk money. Who cared if it was weird and I didn’t know what to call it? I had buy plavix in uk happy clients, and people who loved me, and that was all that buy plavix in uk mattered.
Of course, you buy plavix in uk know the problem already. You can market labelless to friends who buy plavix in uk love you, but it’s pretty much impossible to buy plavix in uk market labelless to strangers or acquaintances. There was no moving up for buy plavix in uk me here unless I wanted to funnel a lot more energy into making friends. Which is cool—but man, I need downtime, too. I am not strictly an buy plavix in uk extrovert. I had a feeling that kind of hardcore networking was going to buy plavix in uk wear me out.
So I decided, once more, that I needed a label.
But I was done with boring labels. I was done with labels that didn’t properly encompass the scope of my playground. I know I’m supposed to “pick a thing”, but I’ve never wanted to “pick a thing”, even in college—Opera? Graphic design? Internet culture? Business-building? No, I’m not going to buy plavix in uk focus on one and drop the others, screw you people. Ah, my theme song.
And I did find that label, if that’s the buy plavix in uk right name for it. Sometimes I wonder if I actually found a buy plavix in uk calling.
So why is it so scary? I don’t get it.
Dude, I don’t get it either. I’ve been buy plavix in uk searching my soul for the answers this weekend, trying to understand the buy plavix in uk reluctance I had to move forward and the reluctance I still have buy plavix in uk to talk about it.
Why is it so scary?
You know… I was always really small-time.
In fact, especially after I dismantled Virtual Magpie and buy plavix in uk started doing my kind of business just as myself, I didn’t have buy plavix in uk a standard that anyone was trying to hold me to. No one could try to buy plavix in uk define me from outside me. They didn’t have anything to base a definition on, unless they’d read through most of my blog—and then, usually, they got it right.
It feels safe to buy plavix in uk be able to avoid definition that way. It feels safe because the buy plavix in uk only standards I stood by were my own, and I could do whatever I felt was right at the buy plavix in uk time and not worry about someone else looking at my setup and buy plavix in uk deciding I should be doing it differently. It was between me and buy plavix in uk my client. If they were happy, that’s all I cared about.
But now, something has changed.
I almost feel like this gives the rest of the world leverage.
What that means, I don’t know. I know that buy plavix in uk it makes me afraid. But I think that fear is buy plavix in uk borne of insecurity, of the idea that I’ll never survive being judged by someone other than myself—and that buy plavix in uk if I can keep things quiet enough that my only judge is buy plavix in uk myself, I’ll do okay.
Furthermore, I always knew that buy plavix in uk I was building Idea Blueprint Girl as a vehicle for me to buy plavix in uk do what I loved on a larger scale. Small-time wasn’t getting me where I wanted to go.
And oh, big-time is scary.
But there’s something else here, too.
I can buy plavix in uk help people much better this way. They can see what I do, and buy plavix in uk ask me to do it. They don’t have buy plavix in uk to depend on me to find them and suggest it. It gives them power and buy plavix in uk it gives me an easy way to connect with people who buy plavix in uk can use my help.
Funny how quickly the fear overwhelms our better impulses, you know? And silly. Because when buy plavix in uk I think about how much easier it will be to take on projects that buy plavix in uk help people, it gives me a thrill. Just a buy plavix in uk shiver that kind of runs up my spine, or makes my skin tingle. What could I do with this? How can I change the way things work? What new corners can I air out? What wonderful new people will I meet? What incredible projects can I put together? How will I make a difference for them? What will happen next?
Remembering how thrilling it buy plavix in uk is reminds me why I thought it up in the first place—and that thrill dissipates the fear.
Wow. Can we bottle that headspace?
What does happen next?
Geeze, you got me. I’m just winging this whole thing. It’s so easy to buy plavix in uk feel strong and confident about pushing someone else’s project forward. I can buy plavix in uk see it objectively and understand how all the pieces fit together. I’m not stalled or buy plavix in uk blinded by deep-seated emotional obstacles. I know how easy it is buy plavix in uk to make something work. When it’s mine, the buy plavix in uk path is a little fuzzier. But I can still see it, most of the buy plavix in uk time.
I think I’ll just keep moving forward, and buy plavix in uk the rest will take care of itself.
What do you think?
